Smiling with reason

On our recent Thanksgiving weekend trip, Zach fell asleep on the way to the hotel. The car stopped as we pulled into the lot and he woke up, but was still mostly out-of-it.

He slid his hands down the front of his pants.

Nancy said – "Zach what are you doing there?"

I said – "It’s warm down there, isn't it buddy."

To which, Zach answered with a smile – "I know"

I'm working with a real pro here

I'm sure I'll be the only one to find this funny.

Zach went to his friend Anna's birthday party last weekend and won a prize in the game room - the old pull the dollar on a string trick.

It took us a while to practice but he finally got it. But it literally took me six or seven "takes" with him to get the "shot" down.

He had to follow a cue, know his line and be ready to nail it. Actually, he stormed off set (our kitchen table) twice because of camera difficulties. Evidently I need a better crew (me). Here's the best one...



And here are just two of the outtakes that make working with a 4-year-old so rewarding...

Double Entendre

So we went out to dinner Saturday night with another couple to a great but highly underrated Mexican restaurant (Mi Pueblo).

Talking.

Beers.

Laughing.

Ordering.

Alexis and I ordered similar meals – she got a carne adobado and I got the carne asada.

More laughing.

Eventually the food comes.

Hers looks like this:



Mine looks like this:




Similar right? Both have a strip of steak, rice, and beans with a tortilla chip sticking up.

Keith asked if they were the same dinner.

"No" I said.

“Alexis, this is the difference between yours and mine,” – and I pointed to the cheese enchilada. Alexis cracked up since I only pointed to the enchilada.

“See, it’s got this white dollop on top” and that’s how you know.

Sophia's Consecration

Wednesday, Oct. 22 was Sophia’s consecration at our synagogue. Together with 51 other children, they practiced for weeks, had a full dress rehearsal and many “casual” rehearsals.

On her big day, Sophia looked beautiful.



The day of the event was on Simchat Torah and we all participated in parading the Torahs around our synagogue. It was a great service. Sophia even volunteered to carry one of the kid-sized Torahs.

There was a big luncheon at the synagogue right after the ceremony and we had a great time.

M-U-L-T-I-C-U-L-T-U-R-A-L-I-S-M

Sophia had a big project for the culmination of her first grade class' multicultural week. She needed to bring in a food for the group lunch that represented her heritage. We decided on providing potato pancakes, or as we affectionately call them - latkes.

Sophia wanted to help. She really did, but after putting all the ingredients within reach on the kitchen table, and doing a little mixing, she dissappeared. Zach, however, was keenly interested in helping out doing the dirty work. And it was dirty and smelled up the entire house.

I won't lie - on a crisp fall afternoon, I had the front and back doors open for ventilation. It got smokey in the house. Some rooms were actually filled with dense flavor (read: smoke) and I was more than mildly concerned for the smoke detector. Zach pulled up a chair to stand on at the stove (while maintaining a safe distance from the hot stuff) and tried to help and watch as best he could. He was pretty excited to be invovled in this project. It turns out I'm not close to being as good at making latkes as either of my grandmas, or yours, or anyone's for that matter. Really that's not a surprise. I basically created a huge, smelly mess.



Once I finished cooking two batches of the batter, I covered them up and took the kids outside - mostly for some fresh air, but also to run a few errands. Upon our return home, I realized how much the house stank and that the stank was in my hair and on my clothes. It was all in the name of helping Sophia get a good mark for her multiculturalism project. Which probably meant she'd get a check mark in a ledger somewhere. I had to throw my clothes down the laundry chute and almost showered. I must say though, I didn't mind any of this and found it quite fun.



The finished project (two plates full) went to school today for the big lunch, along with a box of matzohs. Don't tell the other first graders that the matzoh box was left over (unopened of course) from this past Passover. Fresh?, you ask. Do matzohs really ever go bad?

The result of all this - Sophia said all the latkes were eaten. Hmmmm. I wonder about that.

HR update

Here's the update that will for now close the book on what happened earlier this month with "Betty." (Reread what happened on Oct. 3.)

While I was debating what further action to take, my witness, unbeknownst to me, talked with my manager about what happened. My manager then came to talk with me about it and encouraged me to discuss it with our HR manager.

So I did.

She took down the details of the incident and told me what would likely happen - a woman who works in the corporate HR department in a diversity tolerance kind of role would probably contact me to talk about what happened.

Well it turns out that several other people had a problem with Betty. I don't know any other details about what she did, except that she must have been saying some pretty bad things.

By the time that my complaint was recorded, this corporate HR woman had enough in Betty's file to take action. A meeting was held late last week with Betty, her manager and an HR representative.

I don't know the results of this meeting, nor have I seen Betty since the problem occurred. I'm happy though, that I wasn't the only one to come forward about her.

Zima, we hardley knew ye

Sadly today, MillerCoors LLC announced that it has discontinued production of Zima, choosing instead to focus on other "malternative" beverages.



What?

Who the hell knew this "malternative" beverage still existed? I completely forgot about it years ago.

I remember it's introduction in 1993 (I had to look it up here. It was really popular for tens of minutes back then by, well, almost no-one. Actually, several NJ friends of mine (Tom) and I drank it for the novelty back in the early 90s. But not in public. Or where we knew other people.

I'm pleased to report how far I've come from drinking this clear alcoholic beverage. Of course, those who know me these days know that my favorite alcoholic beverage today is ....vodka.

How would you have handled this?

This happened at work today just as you’ll read here, and I have a witness (you know who you are).

I was in a tradeshow planning meeting this afternoon that included people in my division and others participating on a conference call from other divisions.

The woman who (incredibly) is responsible for our tradeshows is, well, completely inadequate for her position. She seems to be 216 years old and just doesn’t get it. She somehow has 30-plus years with the company. I’m sure way back before telephones she was almost tolerable, but not today. Let’s call her Betty.

Betty’s main goal of tradeshow planning ensuring we have enough Skittles in the booth. I’m not kidding. The frustration level of sitting through her meetings is indescribably high. Being in a meeting with her is like going on the Bataan Death March. She rambles around without sense, makes bizarre comments to no one in particular, writes what looks like scribble but must be her notes, summarizes them, and then restates them during the next meeting. And, she regularly contradicts herself from meeting to meeting.

Unfortunately and frustratingly, while many people within the company are aware of the problem (Betty), it seems as though waiting for her to retire is the corporate plan.

We (the overwhelming majority of the participants, including me) on these conference calls already share a low opinion of this person for a large variety of reasons.

I was shocked at what happened, and thought carefully about how to handle my response.

The conference call ended, but there were a few things left to discuss among the people left in my conference room.

At one point, Betty said someone “Jewed” her down on a price.

I wasn’t looking, but I certainly heard it. I immediately looked up and around to see everyone's reactions. One of my co-workers also looked up and shot me a look, as if to say “WTF, did she really just say that?”

I shot him a look back with the same incredulous look on my face. Several others in the room didn’t react, so I don’t think they heard her what she said.

My heart started to race as I thought to immediately stop her in her tracks and rip her a new one right there. I waited…

She continued along but I was only thinking of how to handle what just happened. I decided to wait and confront her privately after everyone left the room.

So I did. The others finally left, and I moved to the chair directly across from her.

I said “Betty, I need to tell you something.”

She must know what I think of her even before this. I don’t pretend to hide my disdain.

“Yes Doug. What is it?”

“Your comment – about Jewing someone down. Besides being an incredibly ignorant thing to say, it was highly offensive to me because I’m Jewish.”

“Oh, well I guess it’s just a saying.”

“What!?!”

“I guess I should be more careful with what I say.”

“Yes you should.” And with my best disgusted look, I shook my head at her and walked out.

So, I ask for your reaction to what happened.

Would you have –

A – stopped the meeting in its tracks and publicly embarrassed her?

B – handled it privately like I did

C – or put her head right through the %$@^&*#! wall.

Lifetime? Me?

So I'm travelling on business.


No, I'm not in Scotland. I'm in Chicago. I walked past the Tribune Building.



Unfortunately my dinner plans fell through, so I ended up eating alone. I walked up to the Magnificient Mile and found a nice looking restaurant. They had outdoor seating for a beautiful night, but there were no tables available. So I walked inside and said hello to the hostess.

As we were talking, Terry, the manager, motioned for me to follow him to the bar.



He looked at me and said:

"We have Lifetime on the tv for you sir. Will that be OK?"

I laughed but am I really that easy of a mark?

Zach puked but I feel worse

While getting him up and ready for pre-K this morning, Zach told me that his stomach hurt.

I wonder how you guys would have handled this differently - if at all.

I asked him about it and he told me it hurt.

Like you're hungry? no
Like you need to make a poop? no
Like you're going to throw up? no

So based on his answers (or lack therof really), I got him dressed and continued along in our morning (usually rushed) routine.

While in the car on the way to the JCC, he told me again his stomach hurt. And so I repeated my questions. He gave me basically the same answers. So we pressed on.

I noticed he wasn't eating his snack, but it didn't strike me as odd because he was busy looking out the window.

We arrived at the JCC and his drop off went fine. I gave him my usual pep talk before leaving - have a great day, I love you, can't wait to see and play with you tonight...

Actually it went smoother than usual. This should have been another clue - that he didn't really react to me leaving.

And then I left.

And then I got the call from Nancy. He puked. Into his teacher's coffee cup. So she went to get him and take him home.

First, I felt so bad for him that it happened. But then I felt worse because I missed every sign he gave me. In his own way he must have been trying to tell me he felt sick...even though he never actually told me.

I'm not sure I could have done more, but all day I felt guilty about somehow letting him down.

I tell him everyday that I'll always help him - no matter what. And here I didn't. Thank g-d he feels better now, but I know I felt worse.

Quote of the week

Sophia & Zachary both started ice skating lessons this afternoon.

My hope, of course, is for them to have lots of fun and get better each week. But then:

In the year 2022, at the XXIV Winter Olympics, Sophia (age 21) will make her olympic debut in figure skating. And then -

In the year 2026, at the XV Winter Olympics, Sophia will (coincidentally) be XV herself. She'll take the gold.

Today's quote, though, is an all-time classic:

"Let me tell you right now, anywhere you fall is cold."

Wilderness Survived!

19 Jews camped (really!) in the woods over Labor Day Weekend and we all survived. Actually it was great. In fact the vote return was in favor of doing it again next summer and possibly for a longer amount of time. In bigger tents with more gear.

We had so much food and drink that our our meals (buffets really) can only be described as an embarrassment of riches. It was great.

Highlights include having trouble starting the smoke...er...fire...identifying the wildlife (bugs)...thinking about swimming in the pond...not swamping the canoe...getting tents erected...getting kids to sleep...remembering which coolers had the beers vs. the food...finding the cookies well into the night...and much much more.

All the photos that can be shared are on Flickr.

Enjoy. We did.

I'm 31, aren't you?

While recently reading around on the Web, I came across this MSNBC.com story about how most men view themselves as a 31-year-old guy.

I read it with great interest because even thought I'm older than 31 these days, I seem younger (don't I?). It's a funny thing when you realize the age in your head doesn't match the calendar exactly (or even closely). You realize that time is flying by.

Having a wife, two kids, a dog and a mortgage means I have real responsibility and that I'm well into my life these days.

I'm not saying it's a pre-mid-life crisis at all. It's just that I feel younger and think I'm younger than I am. I think this is good.

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old," said George Burns.


So here's to all of us that are older than 31 but really aren't.

$30.73 - well spent

So I flew out to Seattle in July for a business meeting and was lucky enough to squeeze in a breakfast visit with one of my oldest and bestest friends, Tom.


He picked me up at my hotel and we went to this funky little place to eat. I'd never been to a vegetarian / vegan restaurant before, let alone one that specialized in breakfast and brunch. My omelette (no mushrooms) was pretty good.

Tom seemed a bit uncomfortable throughout our meal. He's not usually like that but something unsettled him.

And then the bill came. Splitting everything was our historial M.O.. Until he reached for his wallet and was overcome with panic (OK, not really overcome, but surprised none-the-less).

It turns our he left the house and "accidentally" forgot it.

So I bought breakfast and was happy to do it. Mostly because I knew when my Visa bill came I'd remember to post a summary right here.

Sorry Tom, it had been too long since my last post and this was too easy.

You do?

Zach and I were running around over the weekend picking things up and dropping things off. As we were driving around I pointed out several interesting (or so I thought) things to him - all 4 years of him.

"Hey buddy - there's a backhoe" (he's mad for construction and rescue vehicles)

"Hey buddy - there's a police car"

"Hey buddy - there's a golf course"

After that one - he hit me right in the gut.

"I know that," he said, "I already know everything."

And at only 51 months old.

Good for him.

Almost famous

One of my June posts is about the Coventry Street Fair.

Well, unbeknownst to me, while we were walking around, this picture was taken and published in Cleveland's Free Times. It's billed as Ohio's largest news, arts& entertainment weekly. Except that there's only one more issue left before it merges with Scene Magazine.

That's not really the point. This is. Remember to click the image to make it larger.

Relaxing over the weekend

After flying out to Seattle and back in 2 1/2 days, we headed north to Michigan for the weekend. That made four states for me on Friday (I changed planes in Minneapolis).



We spent Saturday walking around the Ann Arbor Art Fair and had a great time. The show is enormous and we didn't even see half of it despite our best art-seeing efforts.

Nancy bought a beautiful bracelet and there was plenty of people watching (my favorite thing to do).





Out to dinner with the kids on Saturday was great fun and they got ice cream. Luckily there were no obvious foot-fetishists around.



Early on Sunday I squeezed in a round of golf. Then the weather cleared and we spent the afternoon on Walled Lake.

What kid doesn't like playing with lake sand and beach toys?



Then the most fun thing happened. Nancy went tubing. It's unfortunate that there are no pictures of her. I really don't like to dissapoint you all, but I was on the tube right next to her and couldn't really manage the camera at that time. We laughed. We screamed. We spit on each other (we're not really into that, but it happened. A lot).

Then the kids and I swam out to this water-trampoline/slide thingy. Sophia recently passed her deep water test and did great. Zach tried his hardest but needed some help.





To no one's surprise, the kids fell asleep within minutes of starting our drive home. And they slept for nearly 3 hours. I loved when Sophia woke up crankily (it's a word) and vehemenlty denied napping. So I told her that I know she didn't nap. Especially for the last few hours.

What a weekend.

You know what you never see?

So here's a decent looking older guy at one of our delicious ice cream shops.



Here's the part you never expect to see. He has a foot fetish - for his own foot! Check out his ankle bracelet and three - yes - one - two - three - toe rings. I have witnesses - a doctor, a lawyer and a wife.

But I'm his girlfriend

So the phone rings this morning at 5:55. At first we couldn't figure out what was making that noise. Once we realized it was the phone, our first thought was "uh oh." And it only got better from there.

Nancy answers and it went like this:

Nancy - (groggily) "hello"
Caller - Is Doug there?
Nancy - who's calling?
Caller - This is Sherrie. We're supposed to meet for coffee.
Nancy - hold on
Nancy - to me - what's going on?
Doug - I have no idea
Caller - I'm his girlfriend and we're supposed to meet for coffee.
Nancy - you have the wrong number. Click.

So that's great. Some random crazy woman calls and even more randomly gets my name right. And then asks my wife (who I'm laying next to) to meet me for coffee.

Of course I took her name & number from the caller ID and Googled her, confirming that I have absolutely no idea who she is. It wasn't the California realtor with the same name. And no one else really matched with her.

And that's how Saturday started.

Dolphins Spotted!

During our July 4 Holiday Visit / Vacation, it wasn't really that hard to find the dolphins that recently made the Shrewsbury River home (ABC News covered it here).

The kids were so excited to see them and could barely contain themselves.

I found a new favorite "destination" sticker but didn't have a chance to buy one.

If anyone has a chance, please send me one. This really made me laugh, 'cause I remember calling the "bridge + tunnel" guys bennies.

I guess since McCloone's RumRunner got a plug on TV, I'll follow suit and make it seem like a bigger deal than it really is by plugging it here too. It really was quite a site to see all the boats and people on shore with video cameras, binoculars and media types covering this story.

Binoculars. Binoculars. I thought I saw them a minute ago.


Aside from the marine biology lessons, there was plenty of time for fun and swimming, as evidenced here.


All in all, it was a great trip. Wouldn't you say?

Could the USPS Suck More?

Leave it to the United States Postal Service to contradict itself and screw me up.

I simply tried to send my dad a Father's Day card and here's what I'm left with. An ugly mess on my nice card.



I never really experienced having a letter returned to me for insufficient postage. But that's what happened. Evidently sending an envelope that's a little out of standard shape screws things up royally.

So the super professional looking sticker the mailman puts on the envelope tells me to add postage and try again.

I added another stamp - and completely overpayed the insufficient postage amount, but there was no way I was going to the post office to get the correct amount on a stamp.

I then dropped the newly over-posted (my term) letter in the mailbox and thought it would arrive just a few days late. I could explain this away to my dad with no worries.

But no.

Today the envelope turns up in my mail - again. Theyr'e still looking for more postage. Even though I waaaay overpaid the second time.

Now I'm mad. Really mad. Almost mad enough to go to the post office and wait on the line to talk to a postal worker. OK, not that mad. Because we all know how that would go. I would walk out madder than when I got there. And risking committing a Federal crime is not really on my agenda.

So even though I tried - twice - it didn't work.

Sorry dad, but it really wasn't my fault. I'll be bringing your card to you personally. That's the service you deserve for Father's Day anyway.

The Angry Svetz Family

So our friends Rob & Monica and Anna are all about having a good time. And laughing. And carrying on. But don't spend the day with them at Parade the Circle taking pictures and not posting them on your blog.

Monica is mad, mad, mad. And she's not the type to leave it alone. She told me. And told me.

But they look so nice. And harmless. But she really packs a punch.

So Monica - here you are...



And have a great vacation. See you soon!

Coventry Street Fair

Michal and some of her counselor friends wanted to go tonight to walk up & down Coventry road - a 3-block long stretch of funky shops, restaurants, and more.

Music (good and bad), food, interesting jewelry, photos, arts of all kinds, and streetworkers (not that kind). Plenty of people watching too...

This guy was barking about "try my food...try my food..." Evidently he's been at it a while based on his arm brace and designer gloves.

It's hard to describe exactly what this guy was doing, besides underwhelming us. His act consisted of swirling glass balls in his hand and moving them in front of his body from right to left. His "act" must have been based on a night when he was wasted and found this ability, showed his stoner buddies who were amazed. While sober, he sucked.


This guy was just obnoxious. He needed to be in front of everybody to "get his shot." Everywhere I saw him he was busy elbowing his way to the front. So he could see the glass ball guy.

I don't usually like to judge people, but here's a rare exception. Cigarette mom also gave one of the kids in the stroller a nice long pull on creamy coffee looking drink. Let's hope it was a kaluha free drink.


Terrible does not begin to describe how bad this band was. A guy "jamming" on a flute - is that really necessary?


The end was neat for Sophia & Zach. You know who thought the street drawing area was pretty cool.

Camp Started and Zach Slept

And slept. And slept. And slept. His little tush is getting a royal kicking from his first week's schedule.

No more naps for him. He's playing outside mostly all day long.

- And running
- And jumping
- And swimming
- And arts and crafts - but please don't use the phrase "artsy-fartsy" with me. I really can't stand it.
- And other camp stuff.

So when is he sleeping you ask? Well, almost every minute he's not at camp.

- On the car ride home
- On the couch while waiting to sleep through dinner
- While skipping dinner for the second night this week (of three possibles)
- Through the night - except when he somehow wakes up around 1 a.m. and staggers into our room with his pillow and favorite "stuffy" animal

It will probably take him into the middle of next week before he successfully rejoins the waking world.

Meet Michal

Michal moved in on Sunday and is staying with us for three weeks as a camp counselor at the JCC. She's an Israeli cultural specialist and will teach her campers all about food, dancing, music and more.

It's great having her here and is fascinating talking with her about all kinds of things - politics, life in Israel, America's culture (the good & the bad), music, art, food and on and on.

For her first dinner with us, we took her to Little Italy. We walked around after dinnner taking it all in from her perspective.

We have lots of plans for Michal before she moves to her next host family for another three weeks. We found out the other two host families are good friends of ours, so the transition will be easy.

A word to the wise - don't make her mad - she was an artillery trainer in the IDF and can wipe you off the map with this - it's a mobile Israeli cannon.

Is It Really A Mystery Why The Indians Season Is In The Drink?

So I took Zach to his first summer soccer practice on Sunday. He was with dozens of other 4-year-olds running around in t-shirts that were waaay too big. As I was talking with the other dads I knew, we all recognized someone who really should be at work.

Everyday.

Mark Shapiro is the Indians General Manager.

I'm sure he's a good guy in his personal life and a great dad (he was there with his daughter), but we (my friends) exercised great restraint not to drive him off to the airport to join the road trip in progress or shake things up in the clubhouse. Here's a suggestion - take away the ping-pong privileges until a 3 game winning streak happens.

Shouldn't he be focused on turning the Tribe around instead of 4-year-old summer soccer?

Just kidding Mark. I just couldn't resist.

New Olympic Rules - Or 57 Reasons You Gotta Be Excited To See How These Olympics Will Go...

BEIJING (AP) -Foreigners attending the Beijing Olympics better behave - or else.

Or so says a recent AP story I'm referring to here.

It continues on...The Beijing Olympic organizing committee issued a stern, nine-page document Monday that covers 57 topics. Written in Chinese only and posted on the official Web site, the guide covers everything from a ban on sleeping outdoors to the need for government permission to stage a protest.

But my favorite part is this - Those with "mental diseases'' or contagious conditions will be barred.

Really? This rules out most of my friends. Seriously. I'll have to cancel my group trip to Beijing now.

This kind of news can only get better as we get closer to the Olympics.

I can't wait.

And on the seventh day G-d rested

But I didn't. It wasn't even close.

The running tally

It turned out to be 56 trips


In a row


Exhaustion began to take its toll and the pile didn't appear to getting any smaller.
But in the end, it did. I beat the pile and the yard looked good. And then I napped.